Shedding Gravity

(I wrote this a few months ago and performed it in a slam for my poetry class. It was inspired here in all of your blogs so I feel I should share it, I just didn't have the courage until now... So here it is <3)

Shedding Gravity
We begin as whispers,
Keyboard klick- klacks in midnight dress,
Floating through a nowhere-land of status,
And judgments.
We aren’t aiming for anything but survival.

As I stand in the mirror,
They are the fleeting thought that,
I’m not good enough.”And we take that in as a part of ourselves.
Black branches against a yellowed sky
Thinning as we grow.

If school is white waters then we are twigs,
Slammed against the corners
Colliding with fish
And latching on for survival.

Perfection isn’t real,
But we are whole,
We obey,
We take notes,
Do hair, smile
Chew, swallow, and repeat
Without question.

One day those mirror thoughts
Tickle a nerve,
Pickle my face
Before my eyes
This scale lies.
I become treadmill mounting
Pinching my sides because I am not enough:
Smart enough,
Strong enough,
Pretty enough,
Thin enough.
Soon I see that I cannot run all day!
That running, even for hours, is not enough.
So I “cut down.”
I am not a tree reaching at nothing,
I am strong branches ripping down the sky.

And I catalog.
Because 1000
No 700
No 500
No 300 calories is still too much.
Because pounds were created to be dropped.
I am screaming inside
Because I can’t lose 3 pounds
And my goal is 97
But I’m lost in the sea,
Somewhere between 100 and 99.

I join the echoes,
The whispered screams
The middle of the night tears
drip-dropping on the keys.
My body is weak,
But I am not alone,
For once.

In this worlds it is easier
To count by two’s
Learn your ABC’s
And lose weight.
Because people judge us by
How we act and how we look,
Not by who we are.
Because there is one sure way
to get to heaven:
By smiling on command,
Wearing big sweaters
To hide your bulging tendons,
And losing.

Because without mass…
… there is no gravity


Melee said...

Oh, Ever. Thank you so much for sharing this. It was masterfully & beautifully written.
I know how hard it is to share these personal struggles. But I am glad you did. <3
{And I hope you no longer believe the lies we are all fed. You are strong, you are beautiful. I hope you know that. :)}

Ever said...

Thank you dear. I had a couple of mistypes in there but I fixed them now! :)

helloxbeautiful said...

You have left me completely speechless, as you always do.
If I could sum up how I feel, it would be the exact words you wrote in that poem.
You are so beautiful, Ever.
Thank you for sharing this with us. <3

I love you. You are absolutely incredible.


mckenzie. said...

This is such a perfect documentation of struggle. Lovely as always! xx

Jazzy E (hivenn) said...

so stunning. x hivenn

Monika said...

Oh my love, this is beautiful! I love spoken word, and performing on such sensitive issues is difficult but rewarding. I recently did a piece about my ED at a slam, and was given so much support and love.
I hope you're doing well.
Grace and peace,